Dear Mom

Dear Mom,
Words cannot express how much I miss you, and how I desperately wish you and I had more time together.
You got sick early on in my life, so most of my memories are of you battling this disease. But the woman I choose to remember was elegant, smart, confident, and strong. Even while you were sick you maintained a positive outlook on life, and your faith never faltered.
All the lessons I learned from simply watching you. You taught me to take a strict pride in myself and to carry myself a certain way. You were my motivation to graduate college early. Because if nothing else, I wanted you to see me walk across the stage.
I wish we had more time together. I I wish you had the chance to teach me all the things you wanted. I wish  we had more conversations, more laughs, and more time. I wish I could hear you say “I love you more” one more time.
Although I’m sad that we couldn’t spend our time together the way we would have wanted, it’s selfish of me to want you to stay when I know that now you’re free from this disease.  I am thankful for all the days I am able to say that you were around, so until we meet again… Rest in Paradise.
Your daughter,
Dorie
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I have found peace.

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I have found peace. Or rather peace has found me. An unexplainable peace that is not attached to any person, or thing. It exists within myself. It takes the form of understanding… that I will be alright. No matter what comes, no matter what they take from me, say about me, or do to me. I will continue to exist on this planet as an untouchable, unbothered child of God.

I won’t live for you anymore. I refuse to give myself to that which does not elevate me, and open me up to higher planes. I have found peace. And it speaks to my heart unrelentingly.

Mama said there’d be days like this.

Mama said there’d be days like this.

Days that take everything you have and leave you standing breathless with your back against the wall. Days that test your strength and push you beyond your limits. Days that rob you of your happiness and leave you feeling helpless in a fight against the world. These are the days that make you. We will not let them keep us face down in the dark, broken, screaming at the universe that it should have been easier.

These days will always come. Mama said to welcome them with a fist in one hand and a Bible in the other, and show them you will not easily fade away. Because when you make it through, there’ll be brighter days. Days where you dance in the sunlight and your soul sings to the skies. Days where you are so overwhelmed with love from the universe that the moon and stars shine just for you. Days where your heart beats so fast with nothing but pure joy that your only worry is keeping it inside your chest.

Demons

I go back and forth with my demons everyday. Sometimes fighting them and sometimes completely surrendering myself. They are a part of me; I want to get to know them. Where did they come from, who let them in, will they ever leave?

They make me who I am. I choose to accept them and I refuse to apologize for it. Whether they have me screaming on the bathroom floor, waking up at midnight to stare at the moon, or crying about things that haven’t even happened yet.

They are nice people, really, they are. I don’t condemn them. They remind me that I am fragile and real; sometimes feeling everything in the world at once, and sometimes nothing at all.

Words I don’t say. 

There’s a lot of words unsaid inside of me. My brain probably looks like that black and white static on the television when you’re flipping through and have run out of channels. It probably sounds the same too. All the words running through my head and bumping into each other. It is so damn loud. But I never say a word. I mean, not the ones I really want to say. The ones that actually mean something. Only the agreeable, non-offensive, “I promise I’m not crazy” ones ever make it out of there.

Because when people ask “How are you” or “How was your weekend” they don’t want to hear you couldn’t get out of bed so you stared at the ceiling for 12 hours, or how you drank a whole bottle of wine because you thought it would make you feel something. They don’t know what to do with those words. Those words scare people. Those words scare me.